Waiting on the results of Georgia's test is going to kill me. Today is Tuesday. I talked to the doctor last week and he said it would be a "good 4 to 5 days" before we heard anything. If you count Wednesday then today is 5 days. I'm sure they aren't counting that way though. So today is 4 days. I've all ready called twice and left one message. I know they will probably call me back before lunch just to let me know either way but I can't concentrate on anything. I'm exhausted and completely drained. I know Georgia is okay, but I need to know what I am dealing with or not dealing with. Patience is defiantly a lesson I know God has been trying to teach me this past year. I thought I had it down.
Every morning there is a big rush down the hall with Georgia yelling "I'm going to push the button!" as though I'm going to fight her over whose right it is to push it. Really, I thought this little game would get old after a few months, but it does make mornings fun with her racing down the hall and me trailing behind laden down with bags, a lunch kit, a nap mat and whatever else we have deemed necessary for our day saying "Georgia! Don't push the button until I get there!!!" "Okay, Georgia!!! Don't get in the elevator if it comes until I'm there with you!" "GEORGIA!!! NEVER EVER STEP IN THE ELEVATOR WITHOUT MOMMY!!" My greatest fear is that she gets in the elevator, hits the #1 and is swooped down to the first floor without me. Leaving me to wonder, should I race down 10 floors which would obviously take a good 5 minutes...or just wait for the next elevator (they are pretty fast- so this would be my choice if the situation ever arose). Luckily, she listens. Most of the time she will wait for me to get to the elevators before she pushes the button. Some mornings she's just a little more anxious than others.
Once the magic button has been pushed I am then read my rights for the next step in the process. "Okay, Mommy when the alligator (she's a little confused on elevator and alligator) gets here I will push the button inside, okay? I will push number 1. You don't push it. I will push it." "Okay, Georgia, got it." Then we play a game of which elevator it will be. Georgia's favorite is the service elevator- I have no idea why. Out of four elevators 3 are gorgeous- they have gleaming wooden walls, nice floors and televisions in the corner. Shortly after we moved in Georgia had the experience of riding in the service elevator (Standard silver walls, ugly tile floors and no TV. It is bigger and the doors are taller. but it hardly ever is in regular use since people rent it out for moving purposes and you can "lock" it on a floor while you are moving) Needless to say the first time it showed up to take us down Georgia was in awe. "Wow! I like this alligator! It's BIG, why haven't I ever seen this one before?"
So every morning when I ask her which one will it be today she replies "The big one!" I always reply knowingly- "No, Georgia, probably not." and of course I'm always right. Well, except for today, and a couple other times...
Moving on- we play the same game when we get home from work/school. As soon as we get past the lobby Georgia starts running. The other day she flew around the corner (I was pretty quick this day) right as a man walked up from the other side. Georgia paused for a minute and unknowingly the gentleman pushed the elevator button. "HEY!" Georgia said with her hands on her hips, "I was going to push that!" she was pretty perturbed this guy took away her right as elevator button pusher. A group of about 4 people standing around just laughed at her while I explained that it was okay and she could push it next time. Next thing you know the service elevator light goes off and Georgia gasps, "MOM! It's the BIG alligator! Yay, yay, yay!" Again some laughter. The other residents are a little weary of this elevator since it's also known to get stuck occasionally. One lady says "Oh no, I don't like this elevator" Georgia, "It's my favorite! I love this alligator!" and once again she has stolen the show. They think it's so cute she calls is an "alligator" then she goes on to tell them her love for the alligator and her memories in it. "One time my mommy and I rode in it....."
I tried to correct her the other day and teach her the difference in alligator and elevator, but my heart just wasn't in it. She's got the rest of her life to learn that and it makes me smile when I hear it.
Tuesday night Georgia and I had a slumber party and stayed up until 12:30am. I woke her up at 5:00am Wednesday morning. For the EEG, Georgia had to be able to fall asleep with the electrodes on by herself to be able to monitor her brain activity. So I had one tired girl on my hands Wednesday morning. We made it to Texas Children's and they ran the test. It went pretty smoothly. I am so proud of Georgia- she was a star.
The night before I had googled some pictures of kids with the electrodes on their heads and showed it to Georgia so she would be prepared for this. The technician glued about 30 electrodes to her head and then she and I laid down on a hospital bed. They flashed a strobe light in front of her and then made her blow a pin wheel (both the flashing light and breathing quickly can cause a seizure to occur) Then we were able to go to sleep! We both passed out for about 30-40 minutes. The technician came back on the speaker and told me to wake Georgia up. So I woke up a not very happy little princess while they got the final readings. After that it was over. The tech came in and removed all the electrodes and we went home where we slept the afternoon away!
I thought we would receive results today or tomorrow but her pediatrician called and told me we would not receive them for 4-5 days. Say a prayer that we are able to get an answer and start making sense of all of this.
After 11 months of living on my own and being separated from my husband it will be final. We came to a settlement almost two weeks ago and signed off but it hasn't felt real to me yet. After all the negotiations and bs I've gone through to get to this point I won't believe it until the paperwork is filed with the court. Wednesday is D-Day.
March 9, 2011 ends a marriage that maybe should have never happened. A lesson learned I suppose.
I think back to what I was doing a year ago. It seems so weird. I was a stay at home mom, we were buying a house and I was ready to write the tale of the rest of our lives. I remember going through our walk through on the house and putting little pieces of tape on the places that needed to be fixed. We could try to fix everything around us on the surface and all the while we should have been pointing out the things that were wrong with us.
I remember my excitement at starting over as a family. There seemed to be so much wrong with our lives and I convinced myself a fresh start would heal everything. That he would finally become the husband and father I wanted him to be. That I could change him. That we could have a chance at being happy. I wanted a family.
All along I knew something wasn't right. We kept putting tape on ourselves and fixing the surface issues instead of going deeper. For the first time in my life a year ago I thought that maybe I didn't want anymore children. I kept putting it off. We were suppose to (by my doctor's calculations) get pregnant last March, but I couldn't do it. I used the house as an excuse. "Let's wait until we get settled." Me- who always had strict guidelines for how old Georgia should be when a sibling arrived for her threw it out the window. "It won't matter that much" I thought to myself.
It was 5 days before we moved into our new house. I had gone out that day and signed off on the house saying they had fixed everything we had a stuck a peice of tape on. I knew something was wrong when I talked to him on his way home from the gym. That night ended everything. That night is something I hope one day we all forget, but I know it's there inside of her just like it's there for all of us. That night set in motion events that no one could ever take back. The tape dissapeared and the perfect surface of our relationship fell away.
April 21, 2010.
Will I always remember these dates? Will they always haunt me? Our first date- May 24, 2005. Our wedding- January 20, 2007. Georgia's birth- May 24, 2007, the night it fell apart for the last time- April 21, 2010. Filing for divorce- June 24, 2010. The legal end- March 9, 2010.
5 short years that changed us all so drastically. 5 years that brought another human into the mix and for our own shortcomings we've screwed it up. Georgia doesn't deserve a life without mommy and daddy living together, but that's what we've thrown at her and we tell ourselves, "Kids are resilient" "She'll make it" "Everyone gets divorced these days" But that doesn't calm down a little girl who cries for her Daddy at night when she's with Mommy and becomes hysterical for her mother when she is with her father.
So instead of excitement of the day- March 9, 2011. I'm embarressed. I'm still hurt. I'm still mad and upset and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up to my daughter something that I messed up for her.