I can't believe it's been a year since we traveled to Tennessee to say goodbye to my Grandaddy.
If anything I have thought about him more this past year than at any other time in my life. Honestly I think I think about him almost every day. He is the first person close to me in what I consider my "immediate" family to pass.
It may be more of a piece of my life than I realized is gone forever with his passing. The fact is that Nanhee has been in a home for a few years now and that last trip up to Memphis when we went to bury Grandaddy was my last time to see my grandparent's home as I remembered it. I will never see Memphis again as it lives in my memory. In the past year the house has been disassembled and cleaned and is now on the market to be sold. Someone told Nanhee that Grandaddy died and although she forgot moments later she knows (deep down) he isn't with us any longer and that breaks my heart....although probably not as much as it would to see Grandaddy living with Nanhee gone- Nanhee can't always remember he isn't here anymore and when she does the moments are fleeting and more of a wondering question than a fact.
Maybe I've never had something happen in life that I couldn't go back on. I've always been able to "undo" things. Go back if I wanted. Nothing has ever been final...If I didn't want it to be. Even if I did want it to be I've always reserved the right to change my mind. Death is something that is pretty much final. And this is my very first close encounter with it.
I've thought about what a great step-father he was to my dad and what an amazing grandfather he was to us and how I will never find a man like that for Georgia. How maybe I've found that guy all ready and passed him up because I'm too jaded and stubborn. Then I think about how exhausted I am all the time and how I really hate dating and why do I even need a man for Georgia- aren't I enough?!? geeze.
I guess I've thought more about my childhood (most of my memories about Grandaddy & Nanhee date back to childhood) and compared it to Georgia's childhood and the constant battle rages through my mind-
"Am I giving her the best childhood possible?"
"Am I offering her what I was offered?"
"Are we making memories?"
"Am I being present in the moment or am I looking at my freaking cell phone again?"
"We haven't done as many fall themed activities this year- should I try to plan more this week or just double up on Christmas ones?" <----That was a legit thought. (as I type it I realize it sounds crazy)
I had a really great childhood and I really want Georgia to enjoy hers as well. At times I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I get mad that I haven't sat down this year and done our Halloween crafts together or baked sugar cookies yet. But then I think "you know what.... Georgia doesn't even like sugar cookies...." and honestly- that's true. She was actually given one yesterday at the festival and she told the lady all on her own "I actually don't like cookies" So there you have it. Plus I have tons of family that totally picks up the slack where I leave off- my mom makes jam and bakes with her and my grandmother takes her to the book fair. I am forever grateful to them.
I've always had trouble letting go. I've held onto memories, possessions (ummm go check out my mom's attic- it's a Melanie shrine she didn't know existed. Yep High School homecoming mums and all) This past year has been a big transition and it took me by surprise. I miss what was- Grandaddy and Memphis. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about the idea of that house existing only in pictures and memory and I miss what is- Georgia. Every day with her is another day in the past.
Time stopped for my Grandaddy last October. Georgia is a constant reminder that time doesn't stop- my visual time keeper. It's been a year since he left us and time has kept on. I joke with my friends the past year has been a year of constant change- things have moved fast.... but I've learned if you have your "core" stable you really don't need to concern yourself with the small stuff. It just happens...
The past year has been quite the ride. When I think back to Halloween last year and every thing that has occurred since it seems almost unreal that this much living has been packed into one year. Maybe that's the only way TO live. I have a feeling I'll have plenty of time one day to sit at home and wander around from room to room being lonely. For now I'd rather forget schedules (sometimes....) and take random trips or stop for ice cream or have swing set races at the park with Georgia when we probably should be heading home to get ready for bed.
Why? Because life is short- no one knows how long we will be here...I just hope if I'm gone tomorrow my daughter has the best memories of us ever like I have of my family.
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